Princess Cactus and the hardness of finding a dece
by isissy
Summary: Princess Cactus is utterly bored with her life in her parents' castle. Princes are good-looking but stupid, knights are muscular but have nothing intelligent to say and the other princesses enjoy lacemaking and dancing too much to be good company. So, it'
1. Making plans

**Princess Cactus and the hardness of finding a decent prince**

**Summary**: Princess Cactus is utterly bored with her life in her parents' castle. Princes are good-looking but stupid, knights are muscular but have nothing intelligent to say and the other princesses enjoy lacemaking and dancing too much to be good company. So, it's time our princess takes the lead and makes some plans...

**A/N**: Please tell me what you think of my little attempt at fairytales... And if anyone's interested I'll go on with my wonderful plot (though I think I'll do that anyway, if for no other reason than to annoy you :P), but I really, reallyneed a beta to do that (is there any kind of beta-market where I could find one? How does this work?) Anyways, enjoy.

**1. Making plans**

Princess Cactus was bored. She had danced and she had eaten like a bird and then she had danced some more but the day just seemed endless. Her beauty amazed all the handsome but incredibly stupid young princes, or so they all said, but that didn't make Cactus feel any better. What good were long lashes if your brain was smaller than a peanut?

Princes Cactus longed for some action. "Go and take a walk in one of the gardens," said her mother but she had seen the castle's gardens thousands of times and they bored her. "Go and see the incredibly muscular and handsome knights training," said her father, but she had seen all the incredibly muscular and handsome knights a thousand times and their incredibly stupid statements bored her. "Go and ride your lovely small pony," said all the other princesses but Cactus had grown too big for that pony years ago, and besides he bored her.

"I can't understand how you can be so happy in here! This must be the most boring place in the whole world," princess Cactus said to her friends who were keeping themselves busy with lace-making, which was in Cactus' opinion the most boring thing after all those above.

"And did you see how prince I-Am-So-Good-Looking-I-Am-Disgusting-Even-Myself smiled at me?" the other princesses didn't notice princess Cactus' words. They ignored her like this every time she tried to say something reasonable and not boring. (And yes, you can be so good-looking that you're actually disgusting. Too much perfection doesn't suit anyone.).

"Oh, he's so handsome he's disgusting even himself," said princess Oh-So-Fragile and fainted. Princess Cactus almost cried when she run out of the room. She needed some fresh air after that and so she found herself in the gardens.

"I need to do something," she said to herself while trying to carefully step on every flower she saw. "This place could kill a snail in boredom". She destroyed a small bush of roses by jumping to it and strangling them.

"That wasn't very smart," she then said. The condition of her dress and hair would have made princess Very-Fashionable scream and probably faint (she did that a lot whenever the knights were around). "This book is useless now" princess Cactus continued without paying any attention to the condition of her dress and hair.

She kept on jumping in the bushes and stepping on flowers but she also took better care of her book she always carried with her. After ten minutes she reached the gates of the castle.

"This is where the real world starts," she thought. "What I wouldn't give to get there". She took a look around and sighed. "Oh, if I only were a prince I could go hunting dragons and saving princesses!" She sat down and thought for a second. "Or maybe I would leave the princesses alone, they're the most useless creatures I've ever met".

At that moment she heard her mother calling. It was time for her to meet all the gorgeous and rich (but incredibly stupid) princes who had come from far away places to get half of her father's land. And of course her, but that was just a bonus.

Later that evening when prince Incredibly-Stupid had finally believed that princess Cactus most certainly didn't want to marry him, or give her half of the kingdom to his loving care, king Wise-And-Understanding came to see his daughter. "My dear, you have been very quiet today. You didn't even get red and start yelling at the princes. You never let that kind of an opportunity to pass," he said. Princess Cactus sighed. She hadn't been in a mood to yell at the princes, and that was indeed very odd.

"I'm just so bored," she said to her father. A plan started to form in her mind, but that she most certainly did not tell to her father. He had an unpleasant way of not liking her brilliant ideas. "If I could just go and see my cousin," she said and quickly thought through all her cousins "I-Am-Very-Beautiful-But-Can't-Find-Any-Pretty-Clothes-Because-I-Live-So-Far-Away-Of-Anything-Ressembling-Sivilization (her friends just called her the poor girl). I know she lives quite far away but I haven't seen her in a long time," princess Cactus finished and thanked her mother for her short and easy name.

King Wise-And-Understanding thought this for a moment. It was actually a rather long moment (princess Cactus thought if it would be impolite to tell the servant to get her a chair) but finally the king seemed to reach a conclusion. "Okay," he said. At this princess Cactus jumped higher than she had ever jumped. When she was about to start her professional cry of joy -show, his father continued: "On one condition."

Princess Cactus wasn't in a good mood when her farewell party started. "And do you believe it," she continued on her complaining, "I have only a year of my freedom left!" "But dear, getting married is the best thing that could happen to a girl" princess Old-Fashioned said. She was the only one who could stand princess Cactus on her bad days. All the other princesses had suddenly remembered they had a date with some real or imaginary prince who was waiting on the other side of the ballroom.

"AND," princess cactus went on, "I have to –like this wasn't bad enough already- be _nice_ to all the princes tonight, AND I have to dance with them," she finished looking very depressed and small. "But dear, dancing with the princes is the best thing that could happen to a girl," princess Old-Fashioned said. Then she thought for a little while. "After getting married, I think." Princess Old-Fashioned didn't even see what hit her.

After four hours of dining, dancing and flirting with the gorgeous and rich (but stupid) princes and incredibly muscular and handsome (but even stupider) knights princess Cactus was exhausted. She had tried every excuse she could think of, but her father had always stopped her on the door and made her go back to the guests. Now she was really feeling sick but after the five times she had tried that and failed to get out of the room, she thought she had to be more original this time.

The thought hit her like a bludger. She had seen the other princesses try and use it thousands of times but it hadn't ever crossed her mind that there might be some advantages to fainting. "That's what I'm going to do," she thought merrily. "It can't be that hard if they all can do it."

So she tried. She fluttered her eyelids and made the little funny sound fainting princesses always did. Then she waited for a moment. Nothing happened. "Now this is peculiar." She fluttered her lids some more. Nothing. After a few minutes of hard trying a very worrying thought entered princess Cactus' mind. What if she couldn't faint at all? If there was something broken inside of her preventing her from fainting.

At this thought princess got really angry. If all other princesses could faint, she most certainly could do it, too. "Now," she thought, "I just need a little help." She turned to face prince Very-Shy who was sitting next to her and shot him her prettiest smile. "Excuse me, mister prince," she said. Prince Very-shy was suddenly the colour of tomato but at least he was listening. "Could you please strangle me just a little bit?" she asked using her best prince charming voice. Prince Very-Shy's face turned from red to white faster than a lightning and he fainted. "You know, that wasn't very polite. I _know_ I can't faint, you don't have to turn the knife in he wound."


	2. Hunting ogres

A/N: Here's the second chapter to my fairytale _Princess Cactus and the hardness of finding a decent prince_. Tell me what you think!

**2. Hunting ogres**

Princess Cactus wasn't happy at all. Things weren't going her way and that always made her furious. So now she sat, feeling very furious, on the saddle of her new horse shooting growls all around to anyone who dared to even look her way. Unfortunately, no one was looking her way so no one saw her very furious growls and therefore no one gave her the pleasure she got when she got people frightened. And that made her even more furious.

She was riding down a road that led to freedom, which would have been nice if her father's three biggest and dumbest bodyguards wouldn't have been there to make sure she never got her freedom. At the rate things were going, she would actually have to ride all the way to her cousin I-Am-Very-Beautiful-But-Can't-Find-Any-Pretty-Clothes-Because-I-Live-So-Far-Away-Of-Anything-Ressembling-Sivilization's (shortly poor girl's) castle. And if it was possible that some other castle was as boring as Cactus' parents' castle, her cousin's castle was.

"So now I have two choices: I can either ride to my cousin's castle like a good little princess, or do something else," princess Cactus reasoned. "So something else it is, then!" Now she needed a plan, because she thought her three gorilla-wannabe (sorry all you gorillas out there) guards wouldn't be letting her off to search for adventures. And anyway, she suspected that narrow escapes, brilliant plans and sneaking around weren't exactly what the guards excelled in. "Killing ogres and preventing princesses from having fun are probably more like it," princess thought and sighed. Fortunately just then and there, for the second time in a short period, a plan started to form itself in her tiny brain.

The devilish smile on her pretty face should have warned the guards that something equally devilish was coming. But being the simple creatures they were, they noticed nothing. Princess Cactus pulled her horse to a stop and smiled even more devilishly when the guards followed her example. That smile, however, was soon replaced by the look of a little and helpless girl, which was seen often enough on the faces of the other princesses, but never on Cactus'. "Well, there's a first time for everything," princess thought ad tried to open her eyes just a little bit more to get the message through to her thick-headed guards.

"I'm little, afraid and helpless. I'm little, afraid and helpless," she repeated in her head in order to keep the devilish smile off her face. She could see her guards melting in front of her little show and doubled the size of her eyes. A few calming breaths and she was ready for the final blow.

"Excuse me, misters guards, but I think I saw an ogre." The guards let out a noise of outrage. "I was thinking that you maybe could go and hunt it down and so make the road safe again," princess Cactus asked and gave a little wagering smile. "I shall be here waiting for you, my heroes," she completed her little performance.

She could hear their brains working. On the other hand, the king had ordered them to stay by the princess no matter what. On the other hand, ogre hunting was their favourite past time. In the end the choice wasn't so difficult. Of course the habitants of this beautiful place should be able to live in peace, without the constant fear of being attacked by ogres.

Then one of them seemed to think of something. ("Well, there's a first time for everything," princess Cactus thought for the second time that day) "But, miss, isn't there always lots of knights to take care of all the ogres? I'm sure I saw a knight just five minutes ago, when we rode past that field." "Oh bugger. He just _had_ to start thinking right now. No, it couldn't have waited for _five minutes_! Wait, he can count to five!" Princess Cactus was getting annoyed. How hard could it be to get rid of three of the dumbest people of the world? "Well, I'm sure he doesn't hunt ogres as well as you do," she said. The guards were gone faster than she could say 'a cat'. Obviously not that hard.

With a smug smile on her pretty face princess Cactus turned her horse and rode to her freedom.

"Freedom," princess Cactus thought bitterly "is overrated." She had been riding for hours and she was getting really bored. How many fields could there be in one kingdom? They all looked the same anyway. "When I'll get my half of the kingdom, I'll make this kind of lack of originality illegal."

Princess Cactus' back was aching, her first-comfortable saddle turned out to be hard and uncomfortable and, worst of all, she had no one to complain to. Her new adventure filled life wasn't as exciting as she'd thought it would be and it bugged her that maybe, after all this, she would have to admit that her father was right.

Just when she was giving up and turning around to find her guards (who actually hadn't even realised the princess was missing since hunting ogres, imaginary or real, where just too much fun), she heard the most horrible sound she had ever heard in her whole life. "Who's being tortured? And on such a lovely day, too. Have the tortures of today no manners at all?" princess Cactus thought before turning her horse to the direction of the scream.

Actually Cactus was quite pleased that _something_ happened, even if it was a torture of an innocent girl. Sword fighting with the torturer would be just the thing she needed to cheer up her so far lousy day. "Oh, to sword fight with the torturer I do need a sword," princess suddenly realised and bent back to see if her father had packed her a sword. No such luck. "Well, fist fighting it is, then," she thought.

"Don't be afraid, I'm here to save you," she yelled, riding around a little hill to meet the horrible creature torturing the poor girl, but she saw nothing but a little girl sitting on rock in the shadow of the hill. Princess Cactus glanced around. "Maybe this is a trap," she thought. "I should probably take a look at the surroundings to find whatever it is that's torturing that poor girl.

So she left her horse, which didn't seem to mind the horrible scream, and sneaked around the hill. She saw absolutely nothing behind it or on top of it, but the screaming just went on and on. It was really not something she wanted to listen to, so she went back to see if her father had packed her something to put to her ears to block the awful scream out. No such luck.

The scream was really getting on her nerves. "I have to find the torturer soon or I might just lose my mind and hearing," princess Cactus thought and glanced at the girl. She stood there for a moment. There was something totally wrong about the situation. "The girl is clearly tortured…" princess mused, "Wait a second! No she's not, there's no torturer in sight," princess noticed and felt a wave of relief. The girl was fine.

"Then why does she scream?" Princess Cactus was irritated now. If the girl was fine, why did she have to scream? "It isn't really nice to fool people like that, let alone torture innocent princesses looking for adventures."

Princess marched up to the girl andtold her to "shut her mouth before someone did it for her". The answer she got wasn't exactly what she was waiting for.

"You try singing with vocal cords of porcelain!"


End file.
